i have a difficult time being present.
i always fed myself excuses for why i wasn’t present. namely, this one: “it’s where you are, harrison- you’re not present BECAUSE you do not want to build roots where you are not happy.”
but this excuse/reasoning doesn’t hold true 100%.
my fetish with public transportation systems led me to this conclusion. here i am in Portland, a city that i’ve wanted to live in and one that i’ve been studying for years, but what am i doing? i am reading on the internet about Paris. Seattle. Madrid. NYC. i am reading about these cities and convincing myself that those are places i could be. (maybe even ‘should’ be). i did the same thing in Atlanta. nothing like a daily dosage of avoidance therapy to help one not face the beautiful realities of their life.
i am dreaming my life away. the best way that i avoid the present is by living in the future. i don’t want this for myself. i want NOW for all it is. and i have to be real with myself: now is NOT found in reading about how awesome the Parisian Métropolitain is (for hours on end).
i AM happy where i am and i could have been happier where i was in Atlanta. (i’m not saying that i regret moving, though). i must not fool myself with a location change. i must engage. i must invest. i must thrive. and that takes conscious effort.